Quotes
"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards," the Queen remarked. Lewis Carroll
"Truth" never set anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation. Anton LaVey
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. Anonymous
186,000 miles per second: It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Anonymous
1955-1975: 36 Elvis movies. 1975-1989: nothing. Tom Neff
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free. Anonymous
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes. Fontenelle
A billion here, a billion there. Pretty soon it adds up to real money! Everett Dirkson, during Senate budget deliberations.
A book may be compared to the life of your neighbor. If it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early. H. Brooke
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. Bill Vaughan
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read. Mark Twain
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. Fred Allen
A company is judged by the president it keeps. James Hulbert
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Arthur Block
A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles. Will Rogers
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. Hermione Gingold, actress-comedienne (1897-1987)
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. Wilson Mizner
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. G. K. Chesterton
A good reputation is more valuable than money. Puvlilius Syrus Senentiae
A government is the only vessel known to leak from the top. Anonymous
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James
A hospital is no place to be sick. Samuel Goldwyn
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. Frank Capra
A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? Tom Galloway
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. Robert Frost
A knowledge of Sanskrit is of little use to a man trapped in a sewer. Tom Weller
A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a simple way. Donald O. Hebb
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. Jane Austin
A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one. Anonymous
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. George Bernard Shaw
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. Fats Domino
A man came into the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that. Mark Twain
A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. Arthur Schoperhauer
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. Jack Handey
A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares. Elbert Hubbard
A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things. Thomas Carlyle
A man never tells you anything until you contradict him. George Bernard Shaw
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. Michelangelo
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." Stephen Crane
A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well. Francis Bacon
A man who knows that he is a fool is not a great fool. Chuang Tzu
A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned precious to any human society. Frederick the Great.
A man with a clear conscience does not tremble at a midnight knock on his gate. Chinese Proverb
A nation is just a society for hating foreigners. Olaf Stapledon
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for. John A. Shedd
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. Anonymous
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Al Capp
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. Fred Allen (1894-1956)
Advertising is to art what the banjo is to an orchestra. Martin Mull
Advertising is what you do when you can't go see somebody. That's all there is. Fairfax M. Cone (1903-1977) Foote, Cone & Belding
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. Stephen Leacock
Agree or disagree with the following statement: There are two kinds of people in this world; Those that separate people into two groups, and those that don't. Robert Benchley
Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.) Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon
All Marxists, basically, are reactionaries, yearning for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. Robert Anton Wilson
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. George Orwell
All cats are gray in the dark. Benjamin Franklin
All hope abandon, ye who enter here. Dante Alighieri
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn. Ernest Hemingway
All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions. Leonardo da Vinci
All work and no play, will make you a manager. Anonymous
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. Irene Peter
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Always tell a woman she's beautiful, especially if she isn't. Anonymous
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again. Anonymous
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Charlie McCarthy
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan
An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Anonymous
And here's another clue for you all: The walrus was Paul. John Lennon
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords. Alan Watts
And now, for something completely different. Monty Python
And so it goes. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. Monty Python
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an Art. H. L. Mencken
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Any man who hates dogs and children can't be all bad. W.C.Fields
Any sufficiently advanced technology would be indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clark
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. Anonymous
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn
Anything worth having is worth cheating for. W.C. Fields
Are we having fun yet? J. Paul Grayson
Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth. Pablo Picasso
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere. G. K. Chesterton
As we anarchists say: "There's no government like no government." D'Arcy J.M. Cain
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy
Avoid shifting into reverse while your car is moving; especially while moving at a high rate of speed. 1988 Honda Civic CRX Owner's Manual
Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges! Eli Wallach (The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly)
Baloney is flattery so thick that it can not be true and blarney is flattery so thin that we like it. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. Czech Proverb
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any. Anonymous
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. Josh Billings
Because the water is still, you must not think there is no crocodile there. Malaysian Proverb
Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed. East Texas Proverb
Before you trust a man, eat a peck of salt with him. Derived from Cicero
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. Anonymous
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. Thoreau
Bourgeois morality is largely a system of making cheap virtues a cloak for expensive vices. George Bernard Shaw
Business will be better or worse. Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. Anonymous
Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know. I've been using it for years. Talullah Bankhead
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Ambrose Bierce
Compromise: The fine art of making sure that nobody gets what they really want. Anonymous
Computers are useless; they can only give answers. Picasso
Computers can never replace human stupidity. Anonymous
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius. Anonymous
Decaffeinated coffee? Kinda like kissing your sister. Bob Irwin
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. H. L. Mencken
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Anonymous
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. Anonymous
Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective. Anonymous
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does. Steuart Henderson Britt (1907-1979)
Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see. Will Rogers
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. Anonymous
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Anonymous
Don't sweat it. It's only ones and zeros. Anonymous
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. Anonymous
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. Anonymous
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. Malcom S. Forbes
Either I go or this wallpaper does. Oscar Wilde (on his deathbed, just before he died)
Eloquence is logic on fire. Anonymous
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Anonymous
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. Pablo Picasso
Everybody got someone they call home. Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time. Groucho Marx
Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond. A computer, from Firesign Theater's "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus"
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation or creed. Bertrand Russell
Fortunately, no one's in control. Willie Nelson
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Thomas A. Edison
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. Anonymous
Goodness had nothing to do with it. Mae West
Goodness is the only investment that never fails. Henry David Thoreau
Great googly moogly! Frank Zappa
Great spirits have always found violent oppression from mediocrities. Albert Einstein
Have the courage to live; anyone can die. Robert Cody
How come wrong numbers are never busy? Stephen Wright
I am not a crook. Richard M. Nixon
I am not young enough to know everything. James M. Barrie
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. Mark Twain
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining. Lily Tomlin
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. Anonymous
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions: the curtain was up. Groucho Marx
I distinctly remember forgetting that. Clara Barton
I do and I do and I do for you kids, and THIS is the thanks I get. David Letterman
I do desire we may be better strangers. Anonymous
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov
I don't find any correlation between size and greatness. Woody Allen
I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
I don't mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy. Samuel Butler, Notebooks, 1912
I don't want to belong to any club that will have me as a member. Groucho Marx
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. Woody Allen
I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to live like one. Anonymous
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better. Sophie Tucker
I hope life isn't a big joke because I don't get it. Jack Handey
I like the word `indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy. Bern Williams
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity. Albert Einstein
I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. Apocalypse Now
I remember back when a "mouse" had four legs, "PostScript" was what came at the end of a letter, and "Unix" was a term for someone who'd had his works cut out for him. Brad Kozak
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." Jack Handey
I think, therefore I am paid. Anonymous
I think, therefore I am. I think. Anonymous
I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it any more. (from Network, 1976) Paddy Chayevsky
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing. Neil Simon
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. The Old Farmer's Almanac
If at first you don't succeed you're running about average. M. H. Alderson
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Anonymous
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. Tom Robbins
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. Pope John Paul I
If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of. Anonymous
If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. Dan Quayle
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. Lin Yutang
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. Zippy the Pinhead
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. Jim Eason
If you would not be forgotten, As soon as you are dead and rotten, Either write things worth reading, Or do things worth the writing. Benjamin Franklin Poor Richard's Almanac, 1738
If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance you won't have any. Clarence Day
Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot. Haitian Proverb
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. Anonymous
In my experience, the worst thing you can do to an important problem is discuss it. Simon Gray
In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell. H. L.Mencken
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. Andy Warhol
In the matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. Oscar Wilde
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. Paul Harvey
It is a great art to know how to sell wind. Baltasar Gracian (1601-1658)
It is always darkest before it goes totally black. Sting
It is bad luck to be superstitious. Andrew W. Mathis
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. Upton Sinclair (1878-1968)
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. Anonymous
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. Anonymous
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. Descartes
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. Anonymous
It is this simplicity that makes the uneducated more effective than the educated when addressing popular audiences. Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. Anonymous
It's better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear. Freeman Dyson
It's gonna be a long hard drag, but we'll make it. Janis Joplin
It's more than magnificent, it's mediocre. Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn
It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men. Mae West
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT trying to get you. Anonymous
KnowwhatImean, KnowwhatImean, nudge-nudge, grin-grin, wink-wink,say-no-more, say-no-more! Monty Python
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. Anonymous
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. Ambrose Bierce
Learning isn't a means to an end; it is an end in itself. Robert A. Heinlein
Let's do it. Gary Gilmore
Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by day, in all the thousand, small, uncaring ways. Stephen V. Benet
Life is to be enjoyed and if it is not, it makes people ill in one way or another. Louise Bogan
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Anonymous
Man is what he believes. Anton Chekhov
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben
Never test the depth of a river with both feet. African Proverb
No matter how you slice it, it's still baloney. Attributed to Rube Goldberg (1883-1870)
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken
No problem is too big it can't be run away from. Linus
Not only does God play dice with the universe, but sometimes he throws them where they cannot be seen. Stephen Hawking
Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think. Werner Heisenberg
Oh, how did I ever get started typing ladies to railroad tracks? If only I could stop ... but I can't stop ... I've got this thing! Snidley Whiplash
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. Anonymous
Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can. Anonymous
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain (1835-1910) Pudd'nhead Wisdom, 1894
Only a mediocre man is always at his best. W. Somerset Maugham
Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd. Allan Goldfein
Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde
Only the wildest animals need cages. Donald Hall
Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself. President Jimmy Carter, August 2, 1977
People are more than fun than anybody. Dorothy Parker
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. Anonymous
Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far. Mark Twain
Say, can I use that in my book? (Bartlett's most familiar quotation). John Bartlett
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Anonymous
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. Albert Einstein
Sculpture is what you bump into when you back up to look at a painting. Ed Reinhart
Some mornings I just can’t muster the energy to gnaw through the straps and get out of bed. Lily Tomlin
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. Frank McKinney ("Kin") Hubbard (1868-1930)
Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. Bertrand Russell
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sigmund Freud
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. Jack Handey
Stalinism begins at home. Tom Neff
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Friedrich Nietzche
The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television? Philip K. Dick
The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle: they're on TV! Homer Simpson
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. Anonymous
The difference between the right word and a similar word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Mark Twain
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Jack Handey
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Woody Allen
The individual serves the industrial system not by supplying it with savings and the resulting capital; he serves it by consuming its products. John Kenneth Galbraith
The key to acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns
The scenery only changes for the lead dog. (the Law of the Yukon). Sergeant Preston
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. Mel Lazarus
The trouble, Mr. Goldwyn, is that you are only interested in art and I am only interested in money. George Bernard Shaw, When declining to sell Samuel Goldwyn screen rights to his plays.
The truth is more important than the facts. Frank Lloyd Wright
The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe. George Bernard Shaw
The unreasonable man is the one who expects the world to adapt to his needs, the reasonable man is the one who adapts himself to suit the world. Therefore, all progress depends upon the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw
Theater, art, literature, cinema must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world. Adolf Hitler
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Benjamin Disraeli
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Anonymous
There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. Mark Twain
They communicated by tap-dancing and farting. Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Breakfast of Champions"
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain
We have met the enemy and not only is he ours, he is us. Walt Kelly
We live as we dream: alone. Joseph Conrad
Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten. (He who laughs last laughs best). Anonymous
What a hell of a heaven it will be, when they get all these hypocrites assembled there! Mark Twain
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? Anonymous
What we are selling are hopes and dreams, not frozen peas. Michel C. Bergerac, Revlon
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. Senator. David Boren
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. Hunter S. Thompson
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. Winston Churchill, The Grand Alliance, 1950
Where the drink goes in, there the wit goes out. George Herbert, Jacula Prudentum
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Anonymous
Who needs dignity when you can be in show business? Garrison Keillor
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything? Anonymous
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Stephen Wright
Why should people go out and pay money to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing? Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)
Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of. Joseph McCarthy
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker, can gain a reputation for being civilized. Oscar Wilde
Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is a vision. Today is a bitch. Anonymous
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. Anonymous
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. Neils Bohr to Einstein during a debate on Quantum Mechanics.
You can be replaced by a machine that flushes. Anonymous
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. James Thurber (1894-1961), Fables for Our Time, 1940
You can't get snot off of a suede jacket. Lenny Bruce
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even quit the game. (Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win, Socialism, that you can break even, and Mysticism, that you can quit the game.) Ginsberg/Freeman
You have only three real friends: Jesus Christ, Sears Roebuck, and Gene Talmadge. Eugene Talmadge, US Senate, To the voters of Georgia
You were pumping iron as I was pumping irony. Robert Plant, Now And Zen
You're DIS-PICABLE! Daffy Duck
You're peddling your fish in the wrong market. Dashiell Hammett (1894-1961), The Thin Man, 1934
You're traveling through another dimension. . . a dimension of sound, and of mind. Next stop, the Twilight Zone. Rod Serling
Your logic was impeccable, captain. We are in grave danger. Spock
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